


Illuminates Our Final Scene

by wrelicofwren



Series: Illuminates [2]
Category: Sagas of Sundry, Sagas of Sundry: Dread
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Drug Abuse, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-23 08:12:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11985774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wrelicofwren/pseuds/wrelicofwren
Summary: They descend from the mountain, and Tanner is still dead. Kayden doesn’t know how long he’s going to make it after this.He hadn’t planned on meeting death from this side.





	Illuminates Our Final Scene

**Author's Note:**

> For the ones who wanted it. Here's a playlist link to go along: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_g8nAqDu3gI&list=PLIugn5Kk3yy-mZi6J9vC5EQstIkz1He2_

_They descend from the mountain, and Tanner is still dead. They go back to the cave, picking through rock and rubble for hours and find the bow, pieces of his clothing, a shattered lens from his glasses and the fucking turtles he had picked up just before the dead came to life and took him away. There’s nothing to save. Sat rails and screams and cries about promises made by a Darby who can only cover her eyes and cower against a shivering Raina. And Kayden? Kayden doesn’t know how long he’s going to make it after this._

_He hadn’t planned on meeting death from this side._

\---

Kayden doesn’t know how to develop film, but he’s watched Tanner enough to know he’s not fucking it up too badly even with his hands shaking as they are. Thoughts of drowning himself in a chemical bath instead of attempting this stupid fucking task persist, but he holds them off long enough to work at developing the film that Tanner never can.

It’s cosmically unfair that he stands in the silence of Tanner’s darkroom, hanging onto each damaged frame he can recover from the camera. Raina gave it to him, knowing too little about them for the pitying stare she’d given him but Kayden didn’t care then. Tanner would’ve never let him near this stuff before, not like this. But Tanner can’t do much to stop him. Even now, Tanner glares at him across the dark space, his anger thick enough to drown in.

\---

_“Kayden ahh-”_

_“Shhh,” Kayden soothes, tracing his fingers up and down Tanner’s leaking cock lazily from behind him. His own cock is buried comfortably inside Tanner, and Kayden can feel every twitch, every ripple in Tanner’s muscles as he fights the urge to move into his hand, to press down into Kayden, to do **something**. But that’s not the game. Keeping Tanner teetering on the edge like this is too fun, and he knows the other man is growing desperate. Tanner tenses, biting down on his lower lip and Kayden reads that he’s getting close again. Tsk, and without telling him too._

_Kayden lifts his hand away, just far enough that Tanner tries to follow and is immediately reminded of what’s inside him and Kayden’s arm wrapped around his waist keeping him there. A frustrated whine escapes Tanner as he smacks the wall with the hand holding him upright, but he doesn’t reach to touch himself. “You want to come?” Kayden whispers, pulling Tanner’s head back by his hair and nipping at the shell of his ear. Tanner shivers but doesn’t answer straightaway, so Kayden moves his hips just a little so he can grind up into Tanner. “Or maybe you want me to come inside you first?” Tanner drops into an open gasp, moving back into Kayden’s hips as much as he’s allowed, but Kayden forces him into stillness again. Tanner chokes on a moan that could be a sob and sits._

_“So?” Kayden teases, clearing away the damp hairs that cling to side of Tanner’s face and neck. “I’m patient, Tanner. You have to tell me.”_

_“I want to come,” Tanner begs, forcing the words out through a shaky exhale._

_With Tanner sat in his lap, braced against the wall like this, Kayden doesn’t have a good view of his face, but he’s got ideas about that. “You know what to do.”_

_Tanner leans down slightly, and when he lifts his right arm, there’s a camera facing them. “Make us look good,” Kayden warns, hugging Tanner close so more of him will be in view. Tanner raises his arm higher. Kayden moves his hand lower. One flash, then another, and Kayden wraps his hand around Tanner’s dripping cock firmly. The camera tumbles from Tanner’s grasp, and he doesn’t take long before he’s shuddering around Kayden, spilling into his stroking hand. It’s not enough for Kayden, but a few thrusts later the spasms travelling through Tanner still get him to his own release, Tanner humming softly at the sensation inside of him._

_They shuffle around a little on the bed and get comfortable, and Tanner is swiftly inspecting the camera he dropped, turning it over and over in his hands with concern. A few moments pass before Kayden has the presence of mind to ask about it. He hopes it isn’t broken; it’s one of Tanner’s backup cameras but repair money is money they don’t have._

_“Is it okay?”_

_“Yeah.” Tanner gives him a little smile and sets the camera on the bedside table._

_“Good.” Kayden grins, occupying himself with licking his fingers clean of Tanner’s come, knowing that Tanner is tracking every flick of his tongue. The man was too predictable, and Kayden only makes him wait so long before crawling over him and leaning down for a chaste meeting of lips. Tanner groans, tasting himself on Kayden and trying to deepen the kiss. Kayden is more than happy to oblige._

_“You’re going to be late.” Tanner’s scolding words do little to match his actions as he locks a leg around Kayden’s and loops his arms around his neck, pulling them flush together. Kayden smirks, grazing his teeth across the pulse point on Tanner’s neck._

_“Like they’re going to fire me. I make the best drinks and…” He shifts, moving in for a few more long, languid kisses before hopefully getting in another round, “They know the customers love me.”_

_“I love you.” It happens in a breath between their lips meeting and they both freeze, staring at each other with widening degrees of shock. Being the one who said it, Tanner is the first to recover. “I-I didn’t mean to-“_

_“Okay?” Kayden nods, still a little dumfounded. Of course he didn’t mean it. Not when it came to him._

_“This doesn’t have to change anything.”_

_“Right.” Kayden agrees. Nothing should change because Tanner did not mean it._

_Tanner swallows, pursing his lips to stop himself cursing. “So we’re good?”_

_“Yeah,” Kayden laughs slightly, tangling his fingers in Tanner’s curly red hair, “We’re good.” And he kisses Tanner hard enough that he believes it._

\---

Kayden knows they wouldn’t have lasted very long. It’s one of the thoughts he comforts himself with as he holds the still damp strip of negatives. The tremors in his hand grow strong enough that he has to stop or he’s going to drop something important. It’s too fucking cold for October anyway. 

“You could try to be grateful,” he snaps at the corner, but Tanner says nothing, continuing his watch even as Kayden heads to the living room. The asshole never talks, just occupies the empty spaces in his days. A little wire wastebasket he scavenged from his old workplace functions as a space heater on the colder nights, and he doesn’t have a hard time filling it with loose balls of newspaper, bank statements and eviction notices. 

He doesn’t remember sitting down, but suddenly he is. Flames have burnt through most of the paper bundles between blinks and he breathes, looking down at his pink, stinging fingertips. Tanner appears off to the side, an impassive, looming sentry unbothered by the wispy drifting ashes. Kayden curls his raw hands into angry, quaking fists, gathering to his feet gracelessly and stomping out the embers. He’s still freezing. There’s got to be something, he thinks, storming out into the night. 

He’ll find something. 

\---

_Sat comes back with him because Sat needs a place to live and Kayden needs someone to take up the space that used to be Tanner’s. Kayden hadn’t planned to ever come back but he has to now. They try to comfort each other when Raina and Darby go back to college, but he knows it’s not going to last. They don’t sleep much, they fuck a little if Sat’s in the mind, and if Sat notices some of Tanner’s stuff missing she doesn’t say anything to him._

_Sometimes she tries to get him to talk about the mountain when he’s not high. So he gets high a lot more, burning through their funds and spending the days he doesn’t need to work in a haze. Sat begins to pull away from him, but the drugs become the only way he gets sleep after a while with his constant nightmares of Tanner being torn apart._

_One afternoon he wakes up in the bathtub, sick and sweating, to find Sat sitting at the edge of the toilet, leafing through a little black album - the one from beneath the mattress. It’s one of the few things of Tanner’s he just can’t look at - not yet, maybe not ever._

_“He really loved you,” she tells him. Kayden wants to vomit._

_“Yeah, well. It didn’t get him too far.” Everything fluoresces and fuzzes unpleasantly, and he’s been laying on the cool white veneer for far too long, but there’s nothing left in him to move._

_Sat mentions rehab for what feels like the third time that week, and he knows this is the end for them. When she leaves, she makes him promise to wait for her, swearing she’ll come back when she’s clean and can help him. Kayden knows better. People don’t come back for him._

_But when Tanner shows up not too long after, Kayden wonders if he’s ever been right about anything._

\---

Kayden finds something, or rather someone to make it through a few more hours with and that’s all he cares about. “Remember, it’s a hundred for the hour,” the man says as they get trudge up the stairs to Kayden’s apartment.

“I got it.” Kayden doesn’t remember his name. He thinks it’s Jack or Joseph but they didn’t talk very long. He’s attractive, older than him with short black hair and dusky skin. Still, if Kayden closes his eyes, he almost sounds like… 

Fuck that. It doesn’t matter who he sounds like.

The apartment door is unlocked. Kayden forgot to lock it but he doesn’t have shit worth stealing. A few bills produced from the inside of his sock end up in the hand of the man he concedes to calling J. “Two?” J asks, holding up the money, and Kayden gives a shrug, kicking over empty beer bottles on the way to the bedroom. J follows behind, “How do you want it? You didn’t specify.”

‘Pretend you love me for a while,’ Kayden wants to say, ‘Pretend any of this matters.’ 

“I’ll catch. Just try to wear me out,” Kayden smiles, shrugging out of his jacket and leaving it to fall on the floor. More than anything, he could use sleep. Tanner’s nowhere to be seen and its all for the better. J pins him up to the nearest wall and Kayden loses track of himself.

“He’s kinda cute,” J says while Kayden’s lifting his head out of a pillow what feels like hours later. He either passed out or fell asleep, but J’s still there so it couldn’t have been for too long. Slowly it registers what was said and where J’s eyes are pointed, and Kayden turns his head, despite knowing what he’s talking about. There’s one photo in that room remotely on display, propped up by a text study on Still Life and a mostly empty sketchbook. 

The image is wrinkled, like someone crushed it and flattened it out again, but it clearly shows Tanner, his face caught in stifled amusement as Kayden, still with bedhead and sticking his tongue out, leans back in his lap and holds out his arm to take the photo. Kayden doesn’t need to say anything about it, but it’s been months. He can go for the nonchalant approach.

“He’s dead.” 

Those two words suck the air from Kayden’s lungs, and all noise dims to a single muted point. 

The dull thwack of the bowstring in Tanner’s hand.  
Tanner shouting for them to run.  
Tanner screaming as they leave him.  
Tanner’s silence when the tunnel collapses behind them.

“I’m sorry.” J’s got his arms around Kayden, and he doesn’t know why until he feels that’s his face is wet and he’s shivering. Kayden hasn’t cried since the mountain, and he doesn’t know what to do with himself. 

Fuck Tanner. Just fuck him for ruining everything. 

“Wanna do some coke and go again?” J poses gently, petting Kayden’s faded, barely pastel hair. “You’ve got me for another thirty.” Kayden masks a sob with a laugh, wiping his face miserably.

He could say no. He should say no because he hasn’t done anything hard in a few days and he’s not hurting too badly. But all he can think of is how much he doesn’t want to think about Tanner anymore. “Fuck it, line it up.”

\---

_“Are you fucking kidding me?”_

_Kayden’s head is pounding, but he jerks awake at the sound of Tanner’s voice. “Tanner?” Wait. Someone’s half on top of him, and the breasts pressing into his arm are very telling. Fuck, what did he do?_

_Tanner drops his backpack and duffle bag, camera equipment clanging together in a way he wouldn’t have allowed if he wasn’t furious. He stabs the air with his finger in the direction of the woman on the bed. “That crosses the fucking line.“ The woman, a brunette with pretty brown eyes seems to have woken up as well, and is looking between Kayden and the new person with hungover hesitation. The previous evening comes back in bits and pieces. He’d hung out at the bar after his shift was over, not eager to come back to an empty place. Carrie, that was her name, asked him for a cigarette. They flirted and went to a different bar where he drank way too much. Enough that he brought her home. Fuck._

_Kayden turns to Carrie pointedly, “You should go.” Tanner’s priming to blow, but Carrie doesn’t need to be told twice. She grabs her things with haste and skips out into the living room. Kayden waits, keeping an eye on the wall and knowing the weight of Tanner’s gaze rest squarely on him. The front door opens… then closes. “You’re back early,” he says, scanning the floor for the nearest pair of pants._

_“Are you even going to explain this?”_

_Jeans come flying at Kayden’s chest with force, Tanner finding them first. Going commando then. “I think the facts work enough. This isn’t news, you knew what you were getting into.”_

_“You’re supposed talk to me first!”_

_“Can you not shout? Christ.” Tanner’s gone red in the face but Kayden’s only just managed to work the zipper on his pants without getting caught on it. He is not with it, and what time is it? God, he hasn’t gotten wasted like this in a while. “You have a selective memory and this talk is tired, man.”_

_They’ve discussed it to death as far as Kayden’s concerned. Exclusivity is not something he wants, and he’s fine with Tanner being the primary but he wants to have fun sometimes without being punished or yelled at._

_Tanner crosses his arms and looks away, and it gives Kayden enough room for a slight eye-roll as he finally steps out of bed. “Kayden, I don’t care if you want to have sex with other people, but bringing that woman here? Here?” Bringing Carrie here was dumb he’ll admit, but Tanner is over-reacting. Just because it was easier for Tanner to pretend it doesn’t happen because he didn’t see it, didn’t make it less real._

_“Listen, I just wanted somebody and you were out of town,” Kayden says as he walks up behind a folding Tanner. He places his hands on Tanner’s shoulders, and when there’s no adverse reaction, he slides closer. Kayden begins peppering small kisses to the flushed neck before him, wrapping his arms around Tanner’s waist. “It’s not a big deal. You’re freaking out over nothing,” Kayden soothes. Tanner sighs quietly, and Kayden knows he’s almost there._

_“You used a condom?” Tanner asks practically, looking ready to give up. But Kayden doesn’t remember the sex, not the details of it, just that it happened. The condom box isn’t out but that doesn’t mean anything. Still, he hesitates, and Tanner didn’t want hesitation. “Did you?“ he repeats, sharpening the words carefully._

_“Yes!” Kayden responds, trying not to be overtly defensive and willing himself to be right. Tanner frowns deeply, turning to see his eyes as his arms fall. Shit._

_“You’re lying.” He takes a step back from Kayden, rocking his head from side to side. “I can tell. Jesus-“_

_“Okay, I don’t remember!”_

_“-fucking Christ, Kayden!”_

_“I fucked up. What do you want me to say?” Kayden is taken aback by how appalled Tanner looks, and a little unfortunate laugh bubbles up. He moves closer, trying to take one of Tanner’s hands. “Come on, Tann-”_

_Kayden ends up shoved away, his lack of balance landing him directly on his behind. The pain catches up to him slowly, with a mumbled, ‘Ow my ass,’ as he gets his feet under him. In the time it took him to do that, Tanner’s dumped a small portion of clothes onto the bed and Kayden’s brain can’t catch up. “What are you doing?”_

_“That matters?” Tanner casts over at him as he digs through the closet and pulls out a jacket and a few of his nicer button-downs._

_“Seriously?” Something flutters from the coat to the ground behind Tanner as he moves back to the bed. A photo? Kayden stumbles over and snatches it up blearily, hiding it behind his back in a too-tight fist when Tanner turns to look at him._

_“Don’t worry. I got the message.”_

_“What message? You’re always saying shit like this and it’s fucking annoying.” Tanner drops to his knees, pulling a dusty black duffle bag from beneath the bed. Is Tanner **leaving** him? Kayden shoves the picture into his pocket, feeling the ground shifting too suddenly beneath him. “Look, I’m sorry if you’re disappointed-”_

_“You’re so fucking selfish! Don’t you get it?” One poor t-shirt slaps against the canvas panelling with part of Tanner’s frustration, but to Kayden it’s clear he’s holding back. “All I asked was that you protect us. I was so stupid to think that I could trust you or that you might even care!”_

_“We had an arrangement. You’re the one who made this more.” He knows it not the right thing to say. That’s why he says it. Let the earth crumble beneath him, he’ll drag Tanner down if he can._

_Something buckles inside Tanner. Kayden can see the defeat and resignation pass over his face before he schools it into stoicism, lifting his head just a little higher. Tanner packs the extra bag in silence over a few minutes, refusing to acknowledge Kayden’s presence in the room. Kayden knows this is a ploy to make him feel guilty but fuck that. Tanner can do whatever the hell he wants. Kayden moves to the side when he picks up his things, leaning against the wall and watching him leave._

_Oh, right._

_“Wait,” Kayden calls from the bedroom doorway. Tanner’s got his hand on the front door and is halfway through it, but stops to listen without facing Kayden. Bastard. “Sat called. It’s almost been a year since the Goatman shit. She wants to go back.”_

_Tanner sighs, bowing his head with a little shake as his grip on the handle tightens. The door slams behind him, and Kayden isn’t prepared for how quickly he begins sinking on his own._

_Weeks go by. Tanner doesn’t come back, at least not when Kayden’s in the apartment. Sat calls again. Soon enough, the next time Kayden sees Tanner is at the cordoned fence leading up to Black Mountain. Tanner is still pissed off, and Kayden doesn’t have hope to hold but he’s got a couple of plans depending on how things go. Either he dies taking out the goat, or he patches things up with Tanner a little._

_But nothing is mended, and it never will be._

\---

Doing coke was great in the short term, really stupid in the long term. Kayden is so much more awake that he planned to be. The night keeps going; Kayden thinks it must be three or four in the morning but it’s still dark and still cold so what does it matter? 

He ends up in the darkroom again, trying to process the negatives into photos but it’s not working. They all come out too dark or too light. Tanner’s over in the corner, staring, waiting for him to fail because he’s that much of a fuck-up. Tanner can go fuck himself; he can get this timing right. He can prove that he can do this.

Fuck, why is he even doing this? He doesn’t care about this shit. The only people who could possibly understand what he was looking for are out of state or unreachable. They all got to move on, to get on with life and what does he get? 

Tanner haunting his every waking moment. 

“Leave me alone, you piece of shit!” He gives in, grabbing a bottle of some liquid and hurling it at Tanner’s face, but it passes right through, bouncing off the wall and causing a mess on the floor below. 

But Kayden still wants to damage something, and keeps grabbing whatever’s nearest and throwing them at the silent spectre; a lens case, a bottle of bleach, a plastic tray, anything is ammunition. “Fuck you! Fuck this shit, I hate you! I fucking hate you!” Kayden rages his way across the room, knocking down the shelves, kicking over the workbench, and when he wears himself out - arms limp and chest heaving - he can see that there’s no recovering any of this. The place is destroyed. Acid is eating it way through the thin carpet, and there are holes where wall hangings were once attached. Anything with glass is cracked or shattered, including the camera. 

It takes a few seconds of Kayden screaming into his fists before he can leave the room. 

He needs to go to sleep and not panic. Get warm and go to sleep. He can figure out the fucking mess he made another day, but if he doesn’t go to sleep soon he’s going to find the nearest belt in his closet and hang himself with it - promise to Sat be damned. Kayden swings the wastebasket into his bedroom, and searches for paper, but there aren’t as many scraps to be found. It’s only filled a quarter of the way when he’s swept the living room. He checks under the bed, finding a few ‘missing pet’ fliers he took for references and… oh. 

Sat must’ve put it there. It’s supposed to be under the mattress. Kayden almost doesn’t want to pick it up, but it’s a photo album. What harm can come from a book? He’s just going to put it down between the mattress and the frame. He grabs the book and tosses it onto the bed and keeps looking. The book on Still Life from his very first weeks of college is shredded to make enough tinder, and Kayden closes the bedroom door, hoping it will help keep the heat in for a while. 

Put the album under the mattress, his better side warns. Don’t look at it.

Right. 

They’re the same illicit, indecent photos of him in very vulnerable positions. Tanner saw something beautiful in them. Sat saw love somewhere in these pages. Kayden just sees himself, all wet mouth and skin folds and weird scars and sweat, and he still doesn’t understand. Glimpses of Tanner exist at the edges of some of the photos as a disembodied hand, a patch of stomach hair, a cock between Kayden’s legs. He hasn’t seen all of the photos though, and some hardly feel real because he doesn’t clearly remember Tanner’s touch. 

If he tries to imagine it, he can, but it doesn’t ring true. How much pressure would Tanner use to bite him? How tight was the clench of his body around Kayden’s cock when he rode him? How warm was his mouth when they kissed? What sounds did he make when he was sleeping? Why did he always let Kayden cuddle him after sex, even on the hottest nights? 

What would he say if Kayden told him now? 

Why did he leave him behind?

\---

_“Tell me something. What do you expect out of this?”_

_Kayden reaches across to the bedside table, absently knocking over a bottle of lube in the search for cigarettes and a lighter. The mattress shifts, Tanner sitting up gingerly to meet Kayden’s eyes in the dim light of their new apartment._

_“I don’t expect anything from you, if that’s what you mean.”_

_Kayden snorts, giving up and straddling the man next to him instead. Tanner was always a bad liar, but his hands fall into place at Kayden’s waist. They could have a little fun together, right? He starts placing gentle, teasing bites along Tanner’s throat, smiling at the little noises Tanner tries to suppress._

_“Good answer.”_

-/&*

“-coming into town for Thanksgiving and I think it would-”

“Raina?” Kayden coughs, surprised to be holding the phone receiver, even more so to have Raina in his ear.

“Yeah?” 

“Sorry, what uh…” Kayden takes a calming breath, trying to clear his head. His throat is too dry, and his eyes are tearing up, but he pulls himself together. “What was the last thing you said? The… line went funny.” 

“Oh, I was saying it would be cool if we could meet up since I’m coming back for the holiday, and Sat would be out of rehab by then.” It gives him a sense of déjà vu, listening to her talk, but it’s nice to hear her at all. Sat hasn’t called since she went away. He doesn’t think she has at least, but he can’t imagine that those doctors are eager to let her talk to her friend-and-sometimes-dealer.

“That sounds…” Kayden stalls. Tanner is right in front of him, “…good. H-how’s Darby?” When did he get in front of him? He’s never been this close.

Kayden clears his throat, feeling lightheaded. He could touch him if he tried. Raina, blissfully unaware of his predicament, carries on, “Well, recovering most of her last year isn’t easy, but I think she can do it. She’ll be okay.” 

Tanner reaches out a hand towards his face, and another, cradling his cheeks in both. The hands slip down slightly, and Kayden’s breath stutters as he begins to form a question. 

The hands close.

Tanner has a vice grip on his throat, and leans his weight into Kayden, sending them both down to the floor. “Are you alright? Kayden?” Raina’s voice is tinny and so far away suddenly. It’s funny; he could’ve sworn that he tossed his phone into the alley a few days ago.

Kayden’s body feels heavier than it ever has and while he tries to struggle, the fight goes out of him almost instantly. 

Chipped black nails scratch feebly at the arms holding him down, and tears spring to Kayden’s eyes as he looks up into the face of his Tanner. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” He gasps weakly, not wanting forgiveness but understanding. He wants to apologize for lying to them both. Tanner is the picture of anguish, his eyes red and watering, but he only holds on tighter to the thin thread of Kayden’s life. Kayden surrenders to him one final time.

Cracks begin to form across Tanner’s face, revealing molten orange flesh and steam. All Kayden tastes is ash and heat. There’s an impression of smoke billowing around them, and Kayden can hear distant shouts, pounding coming from somewhere. It’s so hot. He can’t breathe and conscious thought is fading. Maybe this will be a nicer hell than he’s lived.

He is burning, but Tanner is with him. 

At least they’ll burn together.

**Author's Note:**

> Welp. That was sad.


End file.
